I think.... the cause of my unhappiness might stem from that feeling I got after receiving the document that told me that my cancer relapsed. Although I tell myself that I'm okay about it now, that I've accepted my fate and gonna strive to live my life day by day like a normal person BUT I can't help but feel a lil tinge of anger in my heart about what happened. Obviously there's a tiny part of me that's still unsettled about the whole situation. Anyways, I've been taking low dose oral chemo for about a month now, just a pre-caution to suppress the cancer cells from coming back - that's the only thing the doctor can help me right now. I've also been taking 4Life Transfer Factor and SNE pills, I think they kinda work wonders coz I went through my last chemo session with less complications (despite the fact that it was the most high risk chemotherapy I took). It sort of strengthens my immune system? Got my blood checked for two months in a row now, once a month; and I'll be going again tomorrow. Alhamdulillah the doctor said my blood result is CANTIK! In both tests. That's good news right? Yes good news! I feel happy for awhile after receiving the result but, the happiness was short-lived and I'm back feeling mundane again.
This, actually affects my creative side (tak la kreatif sangat so bila terkesan terus buntu gitu) and I find myself not being inspired of anything at all. It's hard for me to do work when there's this nagging feeling at the back of my head just constantly pulling me down. Come Ramadhan I felt a certain kind of calmness but I also felt empty inside. It's a sign I know it, that I must work harder to be closer with my Creator o Allah. A kind reader (Melissa Wan Hasan) sent me this email saying she was feeling down too but after reading the whole chapter she felt better. I'm halfway in and I gotta say, I feel like the truth of each and every single word resounds on me. Let me share a few excerpts;
The first exercise is for us to consciously realize that Allah knows. Whatever grief we go through, whatever hardship we endure, we must understand that we are never alone. Even if we feel abandoned by the world and those closest to us, Allah is there. He reminds us in the Qur’an,“Fear not. Indeed, I am with you [both]; I hear and I see.” (20:46)
Certain hardships are so consuming that we cannot focus on anything but the difficulty. But we have to remember that if we were to enumerate the blessings of Allah (swt), we would not be able to count them. Reminding ourselves of the other blessings in our lives helps us to see the test within the context of the grand scheme of things. Just the fact that you can make sajda (prostration), and call out, “O Allah!” is a blessing that surpasses all others.
Excerpts from SuhaibWebb: How to Achieve Tranquility of the Heart
Maybe I'm pretty late at discovering this, but I want to share it with all of you. I'm sure in life, we all have our moments of despair. Maybe it's a calling that we don't know how to respond to..
And alhamdulillah this morning, I found some inspiration and I felt like I too can be as successful as the people around me. Ofcourse finding an inspiration is one thing, and working to make it happen is another. I've discussed the initial plan with husband and he agrees. InsyaAllah we will work harder to produce more products on Shop SputnikSweetheart and as for myself, to better and fix whatever is broken inside insyaAllah.
I hope it's not too late to wish all of you Salam Ramadhan Mubarak, may this month have not gone wasted; there's still time and room for improvement. InsyaAllah..
p/: On another unrelated note: Girl Einstein, thanks for the thought & opinion. I really appreciate it and will work to better myself.. As always, mana yang baik jadikan tauladan, mana yang buruk jadikanlah sempadan :)